Turning to Grief for Healing
Grief is experienced by a person that has lost someone precious to them. It is an organic process engaging our deepest feelings, memories, beliefs and judgments. While some researchers have identified stages of grief, the individual process often is less like linear steps on a path and more like the spiraling of a cyclone.
Healing involves turning toward, rather than away from grief. For this to occur, we must resist our urges to deny, repress and dissociate from these painful emotional states. We sometimes describe this as “practicing presence” in order to carry the burden of our loss.
The act of mourning is a painful, exhausting experience, often involving feelings of abandonment, hurt, anger, confusion, shame, guilt, loss of identity and meaning, helplessness and hopelessness. The needs of others involved that are suffering the loss themselves, such as children, a partner, parents or close friends can further complicate bereavement. We can be torn between attending to our own wounds and caring for the wounds of those around us.
Often, it is in this state when our mind and heart are completely without orientation, and mourners may imagine that they don’t trust themselves and others anymore, and that the world is not a safe place. Our culture tends to hide death and hardly allows the time and freedom for an individual to attend to and experience their mourning.
The corporate standard for bereavement time off is three days, while conventional wisdom suggests the cycle of grief can take between one and four years. We are encouraged to “put the loss behind us,” move on and throw ourselves into our work. If difficulty ensues, we must consider medication to numb the pain and help us function. The truth is that for many bereaved, resolution may take much longer or in some cases, may never be achieved.
We cannot integrate the lives of our beloved ones into ourselves and reintegrate into a new, fuller identity without going through the process of mourning. We need to experience the different, difficult and wonderful memories—emotions and thoughts that go round and round and up and down—recognizing and honoring each state as valid. Over time, we may be able to learn to trust our feelings, trust our own process and trust our grief. We may even come to realize that grief in its changing forms will be our companion from then on.
Most mourners are able to adapt to being present with their grief when they trust themselves, surrendering to it and then, in their own time, finding their way toward equilibrium. When mourners feel more grounded and ready, they may experience a shift as their broken heart begins to open up more fully to the suffering of others.
This ability to mourn can be nurtured through practices such as telling and retelling the story, focusing on the associated feelings, engaging in creative techniques and reconnecting with nature. Support from gentle, non-judgmental individuals, a grief counselor or a bereavement support group can provide a caring, strong and safe holding space.
Restoring our sense of wholeness, human connection and identity is a very healing part of this process. In a support group, for example, a bereaved may be able to focus on someone else’s story that has suffered a loss similar to theirs. This work toward transformation helps the bereaved come full circle in the aftermath of the unthinkable.
Rev. Monika Kahn is a certified provider in compassionate bereavement care and traumatic grief counseling at Living Process Counseling Services in Airmont, NY.
For more information, contact 845-891-1071, office@livingporcess.org or visit LivingProcess.org.
