Emotional Healing as a Family: How Parents Can Model Mental Health Skills

The mental health of our children is in crisis. According to the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2021 advisory on the youth mental health crisis, one in five children aged 3 to 17 has a mental, emotional, behavioral or developmental disorder.

To turn the tide on mental health, kids need emotional regulation skills, including the ability to identify emotions, self-soothe, obtain perspective, walk in another’s shoes, think flexibly and solve problems. By developing these emotive sensitivities, children can then improve their self-confidence, sense of self-worth and empathy, as well as begin to develop lasting and meaningful relationships.

“Kids will learn to regulate in the face of challenge. The only question is whether they learn healthy or unhealthy ways to do it,” says Brad Chapin, a licensed clinical psychologist in Topeka, Kansas, and author of self-regulation resources for children. “Removing challenges from children isn’t the answer. The focus should be on building self-regulation skills, and then those challenges become opportunities for strengthening those skills.”

What Adults Can Do

In the words of lyricist Stephen Sondheim, “Careful the things you say / Children will listen.” Janet Philbin, LDSW, a certified, conscious-parenting coach and author, says, “When people become parents, they will tell you they want to parent differently than how they were parented because of the emotional childhood pain they endured. However, generational patterns will more than likely repeat unless the parent has done the emotional work to deconstruct their own childhood pain through coaching or counseling. As a result of doing the necessary inner work, a parent’s ability to connect with their children will improve because they are able to be more connected with themselves.”

Practicing Emotional Regulation Together

“When we choose to look at behavior issues as a lack of skill-development, it changes the story from one of shame and negativity to one of hope,” says Chapin, whose recent book Self-Regulation Skill Set supports adults in their journey to self-regulation.

As with learning any new skill, practice is key. Here are a few fun activities for parents and children to do together to strengthen connections and build emotional regulation skills. Teaching kids when they are young is ideal, but it is never too late to start.

I Spy: While in a store, on a walk or at a park, challenge each other to notice the body language and facial expressions of people (or themselves) and identify the emotion they might be feeling. This game is a way to practice the skill set of recognizing warning signs when we start to feel upset. Parents should encourage their kids to take notice of the different expressions their peers make while at school to develop empathy and compassion.

The Paws (Pause) Game: To play, the first person who sees a dog says, “paws”, takes a calming breath and puts their hands out like paws. The person with the most points at the end of the excursion wins. This game develops the skill of slowing down the alarm system within our bodies. Parents and caregivers can remind kids that throughout the day when they start to feel their own warning signs of anger or frustration, they can take a breath and “paws” to help prevent acting in a destructive way.

Balloon Party: In this game, parents invite their kids to sit comfortably with them and imagine that they are all preparing for a big party and need to blow up lots of balloons. While blowing up pretend balloons, remind each child to blow them up slowly so they don’t pop. After blowing up several balloons, enjoy a pretend party. This is a fun way to connect with children through imaginative play while practicing peaceful breathing, which helps calm the nervous system.

Christina Connors is a writer, singer and creator of Christina’s Cottage, a YouTube series to strengthen kids’ resilience, connection and joy through music, mindful play and the power of the heart. Learn more at ChristinasCottage444.com.